Please pray that Clive
Palmer, that outspoken representative of an oppressed minority (there are,
after all, few billionaires in Australia), will hang on to his slim lead in the
battle to win the seat of Fairfax in Queensland, and thus – by three votes
mayhap, as the current count indicates – he will take his rightful place in the
House of Representatives, as just the sort of media-savvy and always
entertaining politician that Australians in sober truth so richly deserve.
Apart from anything else,
the service he provides to the populace, by disseminating such important
revelations as links between Greenpeace and the CIA, the military’s involvement
in attempting to frustrate his election, and a certain Ms Deng’s status as a
Chinese spy, can only be further improved once he is protected by parliamentary
privilege.
This blog can now
exclusively reveal that the refounder and leader of the Palmer United Party
(whose former leaders include Billy Hughes and Joseph Lyons, according to its
website) plans to travel to Canberra on board that apple of his eye, his
private ocean liner, a faithful replica of the ill-fated Titanic, currently
under construction to his exacting specifications at an undisclosed location
somewhere in the People’s Republic of China.
Work on the project has been
accelerated in order to permit Clive to be conveyed in appropriate comfort from
the Gold Coast to Australia’s capital in time for the state opening of
Parliament, and repeal of the carbon tax (which ought assist his coal mines’
profitability).
Apart from a transient
burst in dredging activity at Murray Mouth on the day the Titanic II sails in, some deepening of the
main channel of the Murray, Murrumbidgee and Molonglo Rivers will be necessary
to allow passage of the great ship up to our nation’s capital, as also
reinforcing and extension works at the various locks along the Murray
(beginning at the Goolwa Barrages), to which several more are to be added along
the Murrumbidgee and Molonglo, including a new ship-lift at Scrivener Dam for
the final ascension into Lake Burley Griffin.
It is understood that
Professor Palmer’s company engineers have drafted all necessary plans, which
his loyal employees stand by to complete at any moment – once his election is
confirmed, and the already-chartered steam locomotives send them south to begin
these capital works.
(The alternative, a ship canal from Jervis Bay, is
considered impracticable at this stage, but is viewed favourably as a vital
nation-building infrastructure project suitable for implementation during the
first term of the Palmer Government, once he becomes the Queen’s first minister.)
Rows of animatronic
dinosaurs, specially shipped south from his luxury resort and Jurassic Park
replica at Coolum in the cargo hold, will first be arrayed to line the streets
from the jetty to Parliament House. They (and his employees and other loyal
voters) will roar, cheer, bare their teeth and claw the air in triumph as his
motorcade brings
It is understood that the festivities will be
streamed online, and a documentary made to immortalize it, suitable for
screening on the dedicated television channels at his many resort properties.
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