The subjoined satire is the sort of nonsense only present and former Dominicans (of whom it may be said, as was of certain Anglicans of old, such are “of the world, but not in it”) would dream up after watching too many reruns of Pachamamas being precipitated into the Tiber; I post it to amuse a friend...
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And it was night (John 13, 13)
“When therefore you shall see the abomination of desolation, which was spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing in the holy place: he that readeth let him understand: then they that are in Judea, let them flee to the mountains” (Matt. 24, 15f) – mindful of these words, in the context of the impending presence of second-hand cheap tourist trinkets at a Mass in Rome tomorrow, the thoughts of more fanatical than usual Catholics (i.e., those who observe the last Sunday in October as the Feast of Christ the King) quickly turn from “that Jerusalem which now is, and is in bondage with her children” (Gal. 4, 25) – that is, this unhappy planet, also referred to as Judea in the apocalyptic Gospel text above – to “that Jerusalem, which is above, is free: which is our mother” (Gal. 4, 26) which, as all men know, is evidently a reference to Mars.
Mars... “which is above, is free”
If the symbolic Judea, groaning under the unhappy yoke of idolatry, subjected to cruel bondage, is the Earth (totally polluted with idol-worship as it is), then the mountains to which the faithful ought flee must by simple logic be the planets, known in Scripture as “wandering stars” (Jude 13), and to which veiled allusion is made by the mention in the Apocalypse of “the mystery of the seven stars” (1, 20), evidently referring to the eight planets now known, omitting the Earth; and again, of all the planets the only one remotely habitable is surely the Red Planet, as all astronomers know – “for star differeth from star in glory” (1 Cor. 15, 41).
There was a wicked Protestant speculation to the effect that, assuming Lowell’s observations of canals on its surface to be correct, then these were dug by the damned at the instigation of devils, and Mars was Hell: but Catholics naturally reject such foolishness, as Hell is within the Earth (in dreadful caverns hot and fiery), as all men know, while the planets are in Heaven. Reason teaches: flee Hell, and seek to fly to Heaven.
There was a wicked Protestant speculation to the effect that, assuming Lowell’s observations of canals on its surface to be correct, then these were dug by the damned at the instigation of devils, and Mars was Hell: but Catholics naturally reject such foolishness, as Hell is within the Earth (in dreadful caverns hot and fiery), as all men know, while the planets are in Heaven. Reason teaches: flee Hell, and seek to fly to Heaven.
Not what happened in the Vatican Gardens
Furthermore, St Paul commands us to “fly from the service of idols” (1 Cor. 10, 14), having already remarked earlier in his same first Epistle to those contentious Corinthians that not to keep company with “the servers of idols” would mean that “you must needs go out of this world” (1 Cor. 5, 10) – and lo! what was in his day impossible, is now quite possible, so those intent on salvation now must literally fly out of this world, lest they by fellowship with idolatry perish in the general impending doom.
It is well known that Elon Musk is engaged at this very moment upon the great task of preparing rockets sufficient for the colonization of Mars; and the vast sums of monies secreted in Swiss bank accounts by all the corrupt officials of the Curia will, once purified by being spent on this worthy cause (one assumes a certain Cardinal will be very happy to pass on the password details he uncovered prior to his unexpected summons home, as after all he now has nothing to lose and every Roman enemy to repay), suffice to pay for passage to the Fourth Planet by the tiny remnant (self-styled) who seek to flee thence.
The moment all spacefarers become sede-vacantists?
It is a truth well-known to all that the Pope, or at least whatever passes for one, is the Vicar of Christ *on Earth*. Therefore, those who leave the Blue Planet for the Red will have, alas, no longer any Pope, and, as soon as they pass lunar orbit†, become ipso facto sede-vacantists (it is pathetic how many misinterpret such simple science to think that papal utterances on aircraft in Earth’s lower atmosphere supposedly have no validity); and moreover – since Nature abhors a vacuum, particularly in vacuo – those who are in deep space (especially if their minds are already void of thought) spontaneously acquire the right and duty to elect a new Pontiff for whichever planet they eventually alight upon (should they survive re-entry).
St James Cathedral, Orlando, Florida:
the Mother Church of the Moon
[† It must be remembered that the Moon (whose phases show it to partake of Earthly changeability, and so is more Purgatory than Heaven) is within the dominions of the Earthly Vicar of Jesus Christ, as it is part of the diocese of Orlando, Florida, by reason of its first explorers having launched from that particular part of our globe, which meant that its territory was annexed automatically to that diocese under the then-current rules of Canon Law.]
A Pope
Lest any be scandalized, it must be remembered that the Orthodox (and Eastern Catholics when they’re feeling feisty or remembering their lost independence) always refer to “the Pope of Rome”, insinuating that other Popes at least potentially exist; and both the Coptic and Greek Orthodox Patriarchs of Alexandria also style themselves Pope. Indeed, there are many higher-ranking priests styled “protopopes” in the Christian East, and in Greek any priest can be called papa. It is therefore hardly surprising that a future bishop of Mars should bear that fatherly title.
Christ Himself told St Peter, “Feed My sheep” (John 21, 17), yet also mysteriously remarked both that “Other sheep I have, that are not of this fold” (John 10, 16), and “In My Father’s house [that is, in Heaven], there are many mansions” (John 14, 2). Sheep of another fold, inhabitants of another mansion, will most surely be in need of a Vicar of the One Shepherd.
Christ Himself told St Peter, “Feed My sheep” (John 21, 17), yet also mysteriously remarked both that “Other sheep I have, that are not of this fold” (John 10, 16), and “In My Father’s house [that is, in Heaven], there are many mansions” (John 14, 2). Sheep of another fold, inhabitants of another mansion, will most surely be in need of a Vicar of the One Shepherd.
A pre-Copernican obscurantist
Given the large percentage of flat earthers, young-Earth creationists, raving loonies, geocentrists, and pre-Copernican obscurantists likely to be amongst those who will flee Earth in favour of life on Mars, they will be in need of curtains over the windows, lest their simple faith be shaken. (They will simply have to remember what silly old Luther said, Believe more strongly!)
At least one priest known to this writer has humbly offered his service to exiled earthlings as their chaplain and Pope-of-Mars-elect (he plans to reign as “Abel the Just”, presumably in contradistinction to some imagined Cain, I cannot imagine who). If he who desireth a bishopric “desireth a good work” (1 Tim. 3, 1), how brimming over with all goodness, according to the golden words contemplata aliis tradere, is he who purposeth to reign as Pope-King over a planet, and all out of disinterested love? As he has already deigned to indicate, his motto shall be “My kingdom is not of this world” (John 18, 36).
The Martian Papal style and title shall be, mutatis mutandis, more or less that currently used on Earth:
His Holiness Pope N., Bishop of New Rome, Martian Vicar of Jesus Christ, Apostolic Lord, Supreme Pontiff of the Martian Church, Patriarch of the Red Planet, Primate of All Mars, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Fourth Planet, Sovereign of the Martian Papal States, Exarch of the exiles of God.
The sort of priest and layman likely to want to move planet are, fortuitously, precisely the sort of painful pious people the usual prelates, priests and layfolk would heartily desire to be well rid of (as they would opine, “they’re too good for this world”), so all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
Receive the quadruple crown...
At last it becomes clear why St Paul VI’s papal tiara not only resembled the tip of a nuclear missile, but had four rings, not the expected three: his laying it aside (and sale to Americans) was a prophetic gesture intended to signify that it was to be worn by a future Pope on the Fourth Planet, to be delivered there (along with his followers and subjects) by US rocketry, paid for by Vatican cash.
Ezechiel’s vision of space travel (as von Däniken pointed out)
Lack of space (so to speak) forbids descriptions of the unimpeachable orthodoxy and unmatchable liturgy of the soon-to-be resettled Catholics of Mars (by contrast to those of this island Earth); suffice to say that Scripture (in, ahem, the Authorized Version) prophesies of them – bizarrely, in the past tense, but what can you expect of Anglican translators? – that “they were so high that they were dreadful” (Ezech. 1, 18).
