Professor Palmer goes to Canberra

Please pray that Clive Palmer, that outspoken representative of an oppressed minority (there are, after all, few billionaires in Australia), will hang on to his slim lead in the battle to win the seat of Fairfax in Queensland, and thus – by three votes mayhap, as the current count indicates – he will take his rightful place in the House of Representatives, as just the sort of media-savvy and always entertaining politician that Australians in sober truth so richly deserve.

Apart from anything else, the service he provides to the populace, by disseminating such important revelations as links between Greenpeace and the CIA, the military’s involvement in attempting to frustrate his election, and a certain Ms Deng’s status as a Chinese spy, can only be further improved once he is protected by parliamentary privilege.

This blog can now exclusively reveal that the refounder and leader of the Palmer United Party (whose former leaders include Billy Hughes and Joseph Lyons, according to its website) plans to travel to Canberra on board that apple of his eye, his private ocean liner, a faithful replica of the ill-fated Titanic, currently under construction to his exacting specifications at an undisclosed location somewhere in the People’s Republic of China.

Work on the project has been accelerated in order to permit Clive to be conveyed in appropriate comfort from the Gold Coast to Australia’s capital in time for the state opening of Parliament, and repeal of the carbon tax (which ought assist his coal mines’ profitability).

Apart from a transient burst in dredging activity at Murray Mouth on the day the Titanic II sails in, some deepening of the main channel of the Murray, Murrumbidgee and Molonglo Rivers will be necessary to allow passage of the great ship up to our nation’s capital, as also reinforcing and extension works at the various locks along the Murray (beginning at the Goolwa Barrages), to which several more are to be added along the Murrumbidgee and Molonglo, including a new ship-lift at Scrivener Dam for the final ascension into Lake Burley Griffin.

It is understood that Professor Palmer’s company engineers have drafted all necessary plans, which his loyal employees stand by to complete at any moment – once his election is confirmed, and the already-chartered steam locomotives send them south to begin these capital works. 

(The alternative, a ship canal from Jervis Bay, is considered impracticable at this stage, but is viewed favourably as a vital nation-building infrastructure project suitable for implementation during the first term of the Palmer Government, once he becomes the Queen’s first minister.)

Rows of animatronic dinosaurs, specially shipped south from his luxury resort and Jurassic Park replica at Coolum in the cargo hold, will first be arrayed to line the streets from the jetty to Parliament House. They (and his employees and other loyal voters) will roar, cheer, bare their teeth and claw the air in triumph as his motorcade brings this Living National Treasure up Capital Hill.

It is understood that the festivities will be streamed online, and a documentary made to immortalize it, suitable for screening on the dedicated television channels at his many resort properties.